BBQ Poop

The following is a fiction piece.

An urge in your abdomen starts to develop. Pressure forces downward like I have been placed into an increased gravity chamber. The second hamburger that I decided to eat has reformed itself into a brown mass that is ready to exit your body. It sends the signal to my brain as I am having a conversation with Judy.

Hey self, you have to go make a deposit at the toilet bank. Figure out a way to get Judy to stop talking to you about her terrible day at work and make a break for it.

Judy will not stop talking though. She has nobody else to talk to you at this friendly gathering of random people. She came to support Blaire, but since Blaire's hosting she's busy cleaning up plates while trying to make small talk with every person that walked in the door. 

Blaire and Henry have a great private bathroom. Most people do not use it at these gatherings because they do not want to walk in to their bedroom to get to it. But you are great friends with them. They have definitely done the same at your house at some point. We share deuces like we share hugs. Damnit Judy, stop talking.

Judy has seamlessly transitioned into her next conversation of why she cannot find a boyfriend. There was no period or question to ask me in-between. That does not matter to her, she just needs a soundboard in human form to talk to. Her cats never respond back to her so she needs a human to nod in affirmation to make her feel better.

Hey self, its your bowels down here. We need to do something quick. We are feeling like Mt. Vesuvius over here and your pants are going to be Pompeii.

Judy gets distracted finally when another co-worker shows up. She smiles and nods, "it was great seeing you Dru, now remember, if you got any single hot friends tell them I'm not that crazy!" Judy cackles boisterously with a disingenuous smile that reveals how she truly feels. Its one of those smiles that is not pure. The teeth reveal but the muscles that flex in a natural smile do not appear. Poor Judy.

Ok, make a break for it.

A huge slap on the back and by golly, its Corey. Corey has been incognito for the past five months but Corey is a riot. Corey can make a room all laugh at once even when he's making fun of all them. Corey can stop you in your tracks because you want to talk to him so bad.

Fine. Corey is cool. Lets let another gas bubble slip out to relieve some of the pressure. That should buy us some time. Corey will find it funny if he smells a fart and we own up to it. Corey is so cool.

Time to position the body so that it doesn't look suspicious but in a way that the fart is not audible. Tony and Toni will definitely hear it from the couch five feet away and they will never let that go. Corey is discussing his latest trip in the Congo and usually I am wide-eyed and at full attention during his travel stories. Shift the left leg out an inch and up towards Corey. He'll think I'm becoming more intrigued but I'm creating a traffic line for the oncoming gas traffic. It can safely exit the tunnel downhill towards my shoes. 

Ready? Let's release. The Congo sounds real cool. Corey is so cool.

My eyebrows relax, shoulders drop, fingers extend and toes curl just a tad. Out it comes. Oh no. That was not just gas. I feel something else. It's moist. I've been inside from the heat so its not sweat. Well, there's the smell. Attached to that smell though is a new liquid in my pants.

My bad.

"Dru, do you smell that? Was that you?"

"Oh that? Yeah, definitely me."

"Did you shit yourself? That smells like a carton of rotten eggs. You should get that checked out."

"Maybe I did. Ha! Ha?"

I make an awkward backwards pedal like I'm a white kid in the 80's doing my best Michael Jackson impersonation. A 90 degree turn to the right steers me to the bedroom with the private bathroom. Lo and behold, its damn Judy.

"Oh hey again Dru! I was just about to go to the bathroom, I didn't think anybody else... do you smell that?"

"Yeah, its awful, somebody might need some pepto."

At least I was quick on my feet to blame somebody else when I know behind my back is the source of the foul stench. My briefs are a bucket of fecal matter currently. Judy goes to the bathroom like a normal person while I stand with shit in my pants.

In to the bathroom and I see in the mirror that it is coming through my white shorts. Of all days to wear white shorts. Henry is about the same size as me, he won't mind if I borrow some clothes.